fruwho

grateful and enjoying stuff

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:53:33 GMT

So, it's been a while, since I've blogged.
I feel balanced for the first time in a long time. I cannot believe the transition God has taken me on over the last couple years. To feel stable and relaxed about so much.
Finding a confidence in Christ has guided me through so many situations where I would normally crumble.

I met a boy at school this fall and God has stretched me greatly in my reactions, intentions, and motivations. I can see changes in my analytical side, and growth in this area of my life. What a change it is to not read into everything a guy does just because I'm interested. What a change to enjoy time spent in conversation and not put myself down or talk myself up to feel accepted. What a change to the side of myself that distracted me from God and others. I pray that this interaction is just a glimpse of what may come. But single or not, my hope is in God.

I'm pretty tired this morning after only 4 hours of sleep. Hopefully I'm coherent. I'm contemplative, that's for sure.

So much turmoil around me in small ways at school. I pray that God would strengthen those who are suffering and concerned about things right now. I ask that He would restore a certain young woman to trust and comfort in Him. I don't know how much pain she is going through, but I can imagine. Father, let her be aware of Your presense. Guide those around her to be mature, compassionate, and understanding. It doesn't matter that I don't know who I'm praying for. She is my sister in Christ. I pray You would also guide him in his path right now Father. Help him to know You are near and that Your forgiveness stretches far past anything. Guide me in knowing what to say.

Amen.

blah

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 20:40:32 GMT

When the cat's away, the mice will say silly things.

So my friend is on her way to El Salvador for her grandfather's funeral. I miss her greatly. She keeps me on track @ school and makes sure I'm not overstepping my boundaries with boys. I know that may sound silly, but I'm pretty bold.

So... today I saw a commuter whom she has told me is a man from her church. Who is he sitting beside? The guy I've been avoiding. I go up to speak to the man from her church, and end up talking to "guy" as well. I felt awkward because I was just making small talk. I think that I interupted their conversation (not my intention) and he was being short with me as a result.

So... (a word I'm using a lot), the thing is, his reaction to me is not my fault. I did nothing but be friendly and conversational. What does this mean? It means that I should not care about his reaction nor should it affect me in any way. The extreme me, which I'm tampering with right now, would analyze his reaction as something in my control and ultimately take blame. However, I'd like to choose to abandon such thinking. I am only in control over the reaction I let take over because of such an interaction. Another moment, and it's gone. Too bad for him. I think that the distance and time is a blessing from God in this circumstance.

On the flipside, it was sweet getting to know this man, that my friend has told me about and including him in our commuter lunch.

"Why do I have to explain myself?" is the question I've been pondering for days.

Oh and I also gave in and emailed someone to ask them out for coffee... this is the pressure from thanksgiving my sister put on me. We'll see how it goes. He'll probably say he's busy... and then you know I'll be writing again about extremes and my reactions.
PATTERNS! BAH!

God is in control

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 04:10:05 GMT

So tonight my old youth sponsor Bernie died and is at peace.
Today I had an idea to write his birthday in my planner and a thought of "I wonder if he'll make it to his next birthday" crossed my mind. Was God preparing me for this news? I believe so.

I'm sad for sure. I can't physically express what's going on. I'm blocking it to protect myself. I cannot handle the stress of worrying or being upset. I loved Bernie so much and believe his spirit is with God. I said good bye a long time ago, I moved on in my life knowing in faith that God would look after my dear friend.

Memories I have:
When Bernie asked me if the guy I was dating was like him.... I've always wanted to find such a man.
Always dancing to ska music and the connection of Five Iron Frenzy... Every New Day will take new meaning now as it reminds me of him.
That silly expression Bernie has that makes him look like Jeff Bridges in Dumb & Dumber.
The golf swing dance move that I will do @ Jess & Jason's wedding in memory.
Philthy McNasty chicken wings those many times.
The life Bernie lived and the way he treated other people with such love & care.
Cornerstone. enough said.

Thank You Father for answering our prayers for peace and surrender.

Weird dream

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 14:08:58 GMT

So I'm just going to type til I can't remember:

First:
I'm pretending to be a guy with a girl in order to protect her from the this dirt bag who's trying to get her to date him @ a club. We're sitting @ one of those loungy booths in a club with a group of people. Three are also three guys in our group that are eying me suspiciously. I don't look like the typical guy, mainly because I'm a little more blessed in the chest region. Either way, the dirt bag gets it and shoves off.

So the reveal. I apparently take my hat off, and the jogging suit I'm wearing to reveal that I am a woman and amaze the guys around me. I'm stunning to them, and I think their imaginations finally catch up with reality. I end up talking to the one beside me who is short with shaggy hair under a hat, kind of reminds me of a friend named Bernie Vdh, but not. :) He talks about speaking Germanish and I try to practice the German I learned from attending church for 10 years.

Scene change. This big Australian blond haired dude comes in and tries to hit on the woman I was protecting who wasn't Katie before, but is now... she is disgusted by him and his forward touching etc. Then he comes onto me. I won't stand for it. I'm tough and fighting even after he's picked me up and is carrying me around the bar. He threatens me with sex or smuggling guns to Canada with him.... or both (getting fuzzy on details).

Suddenly I'm wandering through a mall and I find a couple who say I owe them $80 for a bracelet the woman has made. I pay but then she's asking me who has the bracelet. I can't remember. This is after trying to find the undercover cops that work at the video store to get them to help me with the Aussie brute. They aren't paying attention.

Later the blond that I was protecting is suddenly pregnant and I can't remember how that happened or why.

So I'm trying to work out a plan to get someone in the room while I agree to sex but don't get that far because I'm rescued by the cop under the bed.

Then I wake up cause I had to pee and this dream was just too bizarre to continue dreaming.

BBC Drama

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 06:12:50 GMT

I finished another BBC Drama Romance.... "Wives & Daughters" and I daresay, the picture is painted that men seem to not be able to see what is right in front of them or what they need. I think of Boaz and Ruth... God's timing happens. Hmmm... perhaps pondering this @ 2am is not a good idea.

I do like these prudish romance tv series based off of books. This one being by Elizabeth Gaskel. I do wonder though that they may affect my loneliness and desire for a husband. I can also see that my language becomes more refined after I finish 4 - 5 hours of British accents and finery swimming in my head. I enjoy it so much. I feel my roots climbing out of me as I experience the stories with the characters.

On a similar note, today something interesting (probably only to me) happened...

A gentleman came into Starbucks. This occurs often obviously. But in this case something caught my attention. Last week, he came in and I made small talk like I do with every customer. He mentioned that he was in town because his father had a stroke. I gave my sympathies and wished him well. Today, he came back to our store, and I asked after his father. (British old school wording, yes!) He shared with me and seeing as there wasn't anyone in line at that precise moment, I shared with him about my own father. I told him of the compression fracture in my 73 year old fathers spine and trying to deal with the stresses. He had to then leave the till as a line was behind him.

The part that drew my attention and caught me off guard was that he turned back and introduced himself by name, shaking my hand. "I"m James, by the way. Maybe I'll see you again" and I responded with, "I hope so" or something like that... This may be no big deal to someone else, but I'm used to being the one to introduce myself to customers. I'm usually the bold one. I enjoyed it because he did not appear to be married and he was altogether well looking. (more British).

It is not often that I am caught off guard in this way. I like to control all the conversations and moments. I'm impatient. I'm bold, and I do not always wait for these intricacies in life... especially with guys.

The other thought that just came to my mind is that I did not ponder the aspect of him being from somewhere else. He told me on his first coming into Starbucks. Calgary seems to ring a bell, but now I hope not so far away... Oh us women and our jumping from a name & handshake to all sorts of possibilities.

I told my co-workers in the back, "this will get me through at least a couple more weeks of being single" They laughed heartily and suggested online dating. ;) I'm not ready for that just yet. I feel I may have had another foot-in-mouth moments when I said I wasn't desperate. I know one of them met her boyfriend that way. He is an awesome guy and they are well suited for each other. I'm grateful to see her so happy. I was just thinking about my own personality and the desire for physical connection when meeting someone. To be in their presence and be so stirred. Must be the affectionate side of me or the physical love language. Either way, who knows.

God only knows when I'll meet the right one. In the meantime, and in the words of "Never Been Kissed", "I'm just not going to go and kiss a whole bunch of losers to get to him" (American language lol)

Good night or should I say morning.... yikes. there goes 8 hours. no self-discipline when I find BBC Dramas.

Another one bites the dust

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 02:32:50 GMT

Another in my internal list of gentlemen I have been interested in... Another notch in my belt if you will...
This time it was very interesting.
Lots of connection, much more in common then any of the prevoius attachements.
Just as I gave him to God and made peace that he probably wasn't Mr.Darcy, I found out that he started dating someone. An amazing woman who I can see loves God dearly. I look at the couple now and say Amen to that!
The best part of this time, is there is not a sense of rejection, which I do not enjoy. Who does?

I'm hoping not to replace the crush with a guy from work. Cause I do think that would be silly and a couple steps backwards.

Here's hoping and praying!

I think I'm going to think about going older as well. I mentioned to a co-worker, "How does someone meet a 30 year old?" She replied with, "There's the place in Toronto, but to go all that way..." and the discussion trailed off as we had to help a customer.

On a different note:
I am enjoying 30 Rock so far, but am finding the sexual content is rather hidden. I'll have to see if it gets more obvious in the end of the 2nd season, into the 3rd season. Many shows start out tame and then as the ratings go up, the sexual content does also. The Office has done it.

at school

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:59:45 GMT

So I'm blogging at school. I've commuted here, I'm sitting in the computer lab doing absolutely nothing.
Why am I in this mood and mode? Because I want the attention I've had the last 5 or so days.
And yet, maybe I should be grateful that I'm not getting it.

God's attention is still present as I type these thoughts.

Is spring fever still there? Am I falling into usual patterns?

All this and more will be discovered as I analyze my analyzing.

I'm looking up tickets to see U2. Hopefully I get some.

krystle

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 00:55:20 GMT

Hey Krystle, not sure if you're going to read my blog in the future, but wanted to welcome you.
I hope that you finished your journals for placement.
I hope you know that you are loved and appreciated in this life, you belong to God!

Anywho, life has happened. main things to share:

Dad has dementia, but we're getting by.
Friends all have burdens, and I'm carrying the odd one or two.
Finally recieving personal counseling which scares me because I have to go deeper.
Starting to like a boy again, which probably means he's not the right one.
Thankful that God is speaking and my heart is still soft, hope it stays that way.

All for now,
Bye!

Man!

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:16:43 GMT

I cannot take it anymore... this is perhaps the most frustrating issue I have in my life... Every so often I check on my Dad and if it is late at night, I expect that I may find porn on his tv screen... he falls asleep on a channel and then it comes up. But 9am in the morning!!!! With a wide open door? His door is broken and won't stay closed, so that part is not his fault. But seriously! It's not something I want to see. Now some of my readers may be saying, "what's the big deal?".... well, the deal is that once the visual is in my head... it's stuck there for quite a while. Perhaps now would be a good time to share something... when I was 13 my friend put some porn on at her house that she found of her brothers'. I didn't know what was really going on exactly... the images stuck with me well into my teens and sometimes still flash through my mind. I can't take it back. So, to make a long story short... when I see stuff on my Dad's tv, it not only gives me a flashback, but it adds to it sometimes.

It's just sex right? As someone who has not experienced sex, for me it's a little more than just a physical act between two people in front of a camera. Seeing two people I don't know, "doing it" makes me feel degrated as a woman, and sad for the sanctity of marriage... or in some cases very serious relationships. Sheesh.

je suis en rant.

Well this is perhaps my boldest and most honest post so far... I feel like I have to explain myself for it, for some reason. I can't. I know this transfers to Ravelry as well... maybe someone else will know where I'm going with my thought processes and has a similar journey.

Here's to sex in the right context, not on a tv screen....as far as I remember, it's not a spectator sport!!

Oh yeah, it was weird that "I'm a Guy" (or whatever it's called) by Brad Paisley was playing as I started this post.

a day in the life of a barista who cares

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 01:35:05 GMT

So today has been very interesting... I got to work at 11:20am and talked to some co-workers, sat with a regular (Patrick) and then started work. I was not so excited because it seemed like it was going to be slow and therefore, boring.

The first thing to catch me off-guard was that two of the regulars came in ... they work at Loblaws nearby. The one is an older gentleman, who always gets a 3 shot latte (sb language: triple grande latte) and a young guy who gets, sometimes, a 3 grande caramel macchiato.   Anyway, when I found out they worked @ Loblaws, I asked if they might be getting vitamin water through their company. The young guy, let's call him Steve (my memory is horrible sometimes) said he would look into it for me, and I found that pretty awesome. He's really good looking and I didn't expect him to volunteer to go that mile for me. To conclude, he came in again and told me they didn't have the vitamin water, and I told him about some friend seeing it at Wonderland and it was coming to Canada. After that is where the story finally gets interesting...

We locked eyes and just kept smiling... and not that awkward "I don't know what to say now" smiling... it was purposeful. I know on my end, I was trying to say, "Hey that meant something to me that you found out, and you're really good-looking"... who knows what was on his end, but I take it as God's way of saying, "you are special and don't let anyone tell you otherwise... "

Worst part of the situation, there was a lady in front of my till and I totally ignored her for about 30 seconds... she gave me a look as well, but it didn't say, "you're special" in quite the same way.

After this, the day just progressed, and I sat with Sue, who is an amazing woman who journals, and we talk about relationships and life. She's older than 30 and we have a lot in common with where we are at in regards to boys/guys/men... whatever.

I finished working and a gentleman came up to me who is hoping to run for the Liberal party and he's a Christian and asked me, "What do you think of literal creationism?" I was like, woah, theological question of the day. I answered as best I could, and of course let my sub-conscious confidence do the work. I was surpirsed how I really did know what I believed and how to explain it. Ironically, Lance came in later and he is my political teacher. He informs me about what is going on and teaches me about how the political system works. We talked about being a politician and a Christian and how they go together... or don't in some settings.

Oh and I talked to Matt who I promised a homemade classical music / epic movie soundtrack cd to... he said he"s "anxiously awaiting it" which made me feel nice. I am working on it tonight... while knitting some mittens for my friend Dan. I need them by tomorrow, we'll see.

My day finished with the bus driver whistling a hymn, "Crown Him With Many Crowns", whom I thanked for completing my day.

More later, I have this random idea to start with the alphabet and list a customer and something about them and their drink.... we'll see how it goes. I know I don't have an X or a Z but I don't care.

Acts 2

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 16:02:17 GMT

Questions and Comments:

vs 5: every nation under heaven - love the hyperbole

vs. 11: (both Jews and converts to Judaism) - precursur to the message reaching others, eventually gentiles?

I enjoy how in verse 12 everyone is "What does this mean?" and the following section is Peter Addresses the Crowd

Part of Peter's message from vs.22 -24... would this message work today? Would it have the same influence?

vs. 39: "The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off - for all whom the Lord our God will call"..........even now?

vs. 45: Of course they would sell their possessions etc, the newly saved people were from every nation under heaven.... not necessarily from that region.

Reflections:

What do I believe about speaking in tongues? I've always seen it as doing missionary work and suddenly being able to be more fluent in the language of the people being ministered too.... but perhaps I also think it could be language in general. Those moments when you know what to say and the richness of words flow out of you and reach the person you are relating to. Those times when you look back and say woah, that made absolute sense and you are awed by the fact that it didn't really feel like it was you or your skills as a human.

Acts 1

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 13:23:17 GMT

Questions & Comments:

Is a Sabbath's day's walk a week or just 6 days... Sunday to Friday?

Highlighted part: They all joined together constantly in prayer, along with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brothers.

One therefore, stipulating the twelve leader. 12 x 12 is 144.... 12 disciples.... 12 tribes of Israel.... Revelation 144,000

Is there a different understanding for them of the Holy Spirit they describe in voting and the one that comes after this passage? Do they have different concepts of that internal power and influence?

Casting lots could just be voting... They prayed that each of their hearts would know what to do and then they cast lots... voting.

Peter, John, James, Andrew, Philip, Thomas, Bartholomew, Matthew, James, Simon, Judas........... Matthias. Is the order of names significant? Christ said to Peter, "On this rock will I build my church"?

Did Barsabas still follow even though he wasn't chosen for leadership?

Reflection:

Would I still follow when someone else is chosen for leadership? I do in my life right now.... and I enjoy not having the added pressure. Even when times make me feel like I am capable of the responsibility. Hmmm... Lots of options for names if I ever have children and want a Bible name for a boy... though Old Testament Micah still strikes me as up there on my choices.

Beauty and the Geek

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 03:11:22 GMT

I have watched every single episode ever for Beauty and the Geek. And this season, each episode (3 so far) people have been crying, crying, and in the words of Aerosmith, CRYIN!

I feel like crying too every time. So much emotion. Sheesh.

Oh yeah, and I'm still praying at night for a geek. Geeks are the way to go and this Beauty is trying to find hers!

My American Idol Top 12 I don't know the results.

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 19:57:22 GMT

All the guys should be in. But I don' think it will work:

David Archuleta
Jason Castro
David Cook
Chikezie Eze
David Hernandez
Michael Johns

Kristy Lee Cook
Asia'h Epperson
Syesha Mercado
Amanda Overmyer
Carly Smithson
Brooke White

Off this week:
Danny Noriega
Luke Menard
Kady Malloy
Ramiele Malubay

shall I quote Jane and leave it?

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 20:59:46 GMT

I forgot that these messages get transfered to facebook. So I will just quote the Jane Austen book I just finished, because it compliments the awesome chuck of day I experienced. I'm not sure if it's an exact interpretation, but the meaning makes sense to how I'm feeling at the moment. Give me time to over-analyze and think, and I'm sure I'll change my mind, or gain some sense.

"With the exception, perhaps, of Admiral and Mrs Croft, who seemed particularly attached and happy, (Anne could allow no other exception even among the married couples) there could have been no two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in union, no countenances so beloved."
~ Anne Elliot, main character of Persuasion by Jane Austen.

Why did I think of this so quickly? See what happens when you allow Jane into your life. She speaks to your heart's yearnings and answers with poetry.

God does that too, even more so.

lyrics that I like lately

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 13:50:37 GMT

"24" by Switchfoot

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

I Want To Break Free
Written by John Deacon

I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free

I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
And this time I know it's for real
I've fallen in love, yeah
God knows, God knows I've fallen in love

It's strange but it's true
Hey, I can't get over the way you love me like you do
But I have to be sure
When I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be free, baby
Oh how I want to be free
Oh how I want to break free

But life still goes on
I can't get used to living without, living without
Living without you by my side
I don't want to live alone, hey
God knows, got to make it on my own
So baby can't you see
I've got to break free

I've got to break free
I want to break free, yeah
I want, I want, I want, I want to break free
Ooh yeah
I want to break - yeah eah

Happy Birthday to me!

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 13:43:18 GMT

Well, I'm 25. There's no running away from it now. I cannot change the past, I can only move forward. I've been wanting to turn a corner in my life, start a new chapter... and whatever other analogies have new beginning to them. Why do I feel so held back in my life? By me, by others, by my sin and pride? Why can't I step into the life that was created for me to live through? Why do I keep asking such questions? lol.

I was hoping it wouldn't snow today when I saw it clear at 7:30am. Unfortunately, an hour later, and I can see the white mist from the 12th floor.

So introspective. I have hope for little things.

It's funny when someone confronts you out of their self-centeredness. What they are really saying is that you have to cator your life to theirs and make the necessary sacrifices mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. As if! What about me? What about my needs, have you considered how much I've been hurting, lost, alone and frustrated? Giving up is not my character, but man if it gets me closer to God and finding more about myself, then yeah, I'm giving up! It's just church. Wow, what a statement. This definately taps into my theology about what the church means to me... what it is all about.

Relationships are to be had in all settings of life. And it is not my fault that I am willing to explore how God would use me in those outside of the sunday morning (and every other night of serving) setting. Am I less of a friend because I am not in that setting? No. Should that setting be the only place where I truly show my friendship? No.

Crap. I cannot stand these expecatations and the emotions that follow. Oh people pleaser, please learn to say no. That's right please yourself... you're a person too.

The Wedding Singer, drunk best man @ first wedding:

David: "How about that. I'm a person too pop bleep damnit. I'm a person too."

HHS journal #4 and beyond

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 22:03:38 GMT

February 3rd, 2008.
Some friends and I went for Viet-Thai food which helped with keeping down the calories. I got a vegetarian meal that had tofu in it and watched how much I ate. So much came out in one bowl... I could have kept eating, but I didn't. I took the leftovers home. I felt that that was a good showing of will power on my part. That night was a superbowl party, and the only drinks available were pop. I had a can of root beer to keep the caffiene away even though I gave in to the pop side of the beverage. I didn't even finish the whole can because my cup mysteriously had debris in it. I had a good amount of snacks but since I didn't have dinner it seemed like a good idea.

Week of February 4th - February 10th, 2008
I was starting to see some weight loss for the first time since I started the 6 week changes. It was only 5 pounds but I was extremely excited. I began hoping I could firstly keep it off and secondly loss more. I thought since it was a month until my birthday I would love to loss another 10 - 15 pounds. I also questioned my motivation for losing weight and forgot that the whole point of this task is to feel better, not become vain. On the 9th, I went to a baby shower where I know I ate far too much. It was insane the amount of food they had. I tried to balance each plate I got with fruits and vegetables... the coolest part was someone made sushi which I loved. I did, however, limit myself to only one piece of cake and a brownie for dessert. Hey, I needed something to go with my decaf coffee. On the 10th, we had a birthday dinner for my Mom, and my brother and I cooked together. He chose really good cuts of meat and I watched how much I ate. I hadn't fallen off the wagon... yet.

Week of February 11th - February 14th, 2008
I believe this was the week where I gave into fast food for the first time since early January. I went to Burger King on my way home... I sacrificed taste and got their veggie burger. It tasted like cardboard and I enjoyed the onion rings more. They actually have less calories than fries... so a better choice. I knew I was indulging, but I got a ride home from work and was starving from not eating earlier. I have still managed to make healthy choices at work with not having lattes all the time. And I got a bag of decaf coffee to take with me to our young adults retreat.. I'll leave a separate entry for that. Also, this week, I started to allow lattes back into my diet. I kept this with more natural syrups and milks. I used soy instead of non-fat or 2% milk. I think I used the excuse about helping fight osteoporosis in females to have soy.

Weekend of February 15th - February 19th, 2008
I love retreats because other than preparing one meal, all the rest are done for you. I finally had a chance to eat breakfast everyday... and the mornings I was able to get a little from every food group. I made sure I didn't get seconds unless I needed the energy and missed snacks most nights. The other part about a retreat I love, especially since it was during the winter, is the exercise. I had to walk to and from the washroom, I went for a late night and early morning walk, and I went sledding and played in the snow. We had fastfood on the way home, which I didn't too much want, but that's where the drivers went. I suffered through. ;) Besdies, A&W Rootbeer in a frosted glass is the bomb. I didn't eat all my meal because it was too much. This weekend I continued to allow caffiene-free pop into my diet... I think that it will continue to creep in.

Week of February 20th - February 24th, 2008.
On the Tuesday there was a commuter lunch, so pizza. I admit a ate quite a bit and had more Root Beer. I let everything go. I can now look back and see that this was the beginning of falling off the wagon. On Wednesday, I went to Zehr's for lunch so I could get a variety of foods. I hit some of the snacks more than real food options. Thursday left me with little to no time to get anything for lunch because I had a massage and then off to work. I picked up a work sandwich, but I can't remember which one. I had a struggle over the days when I was taking my Dad to his appointiment, I wasn't sure when to eat or what to eat. I think when we got back I made lunch for him which was a low-fat mushroom soup with a high-fat grilled cheese. It was nice cooking for him and having control over what I got to eat. There were some high emotional instances with my Dad this week which caused me to want to just eat whatever. (more on this next week0. I went out for food twice this weekend and ordered more sportsbar type food. I know it was the greatest, but I didn't care. I also downed quite a few Rootbeers. I just didn't care. A friend of mine had people over and it didn't stop me from having a piece of cheesecake in the afternoon and a piece of pie after a huge meal. That day I walked for about 25 - 30 minutes in wrong shoes. I got my share of exercise, but probably not enough for what I ate.

Week of February 25th - March 1st, 2008.
Monday I worked so long. My lunch option was a sandwich from work. I had a opening shift which I haven't had in probably six months. It was so early and really cut into my sleeping habits. I was wornout after work. Tuesday I spent the afternoon with a friend who is pretty health conscious, so she drove us to get groceries for lunch instead of eating fast food. It was nice having some accountability and someone who understood that I have a struggle with food choices. At night, I went to work for a knitting party and since I didn't eat dinner I had pastries for dinner. I felt awful eating them as dinner, but I didn't want another work sandwich either. Wednesday had me driving my Dad to another appointment. I was so frustrated with the whole thing. I managed to eat something for lunch, but I can't for the life of me remember what. I honestly think that it was crackers and a dip that I like. Nothing I would call substantial. At night I went out with a friend to a ladies house and we had a few snacks. Thurday, I realized that I am in love with the new drink at work, but probably because I am in love with all food this week. The night at work seemed to drag on and on. Friday dealt me a hand that I didn't expect. I had forgotten an appointment I made, ate ice cream for breakfast, met a friend for food and had a latte and pizza... and then didn't really have any dinner because of the timing. I made myself nachos with chicken and salsa etc. I gave in to buying a can of caffienated coke, until I didn't have enough money and ended up not having it. it was truly awesome. I felt so low. This week and the one before have been pretty rough on me emotionally which has caused my eating habits to go off the chart. I was just wanting to numb the pain with whatever I could. My emotions are so connected with everything. The highlight of Friday was meeting up with a friend and just walking from place to place. I also called another friend last night and just confessed that I wasn't feeling the greatest. And I read another friend's rant about taking a stand which motivated me for a few minutes.

Today (March 1st) has been ok so far. I don't feel like I accomplished very much. I walked to the mall and got a smoothie... and looked at some clothing which gave me a bit of exercise. I'm going to a driving range tonight. I had a bowl of ice cream for lunch and am absolutely starving right now. It's 5pm. A friend is calling me to pick me up and I am not sure what we will eat... but I know she is health conscious too.... who knows. I'll update later.

another movie moment...

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 22:15:00 GMT

So I often watch a new movie and see an actor or actress in it and wonder where else I've seen them...

Actress of the day: Maria Bello....
Seen in Jane Austen's Book Club...
I spent the whole movie wondering where I have seen her...
Answer (thanks to imdb.com): Coyote Ugly

so....

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:41:03 GMT

eyeah.... still in the spot of frustration, but doing ok all things considered. hopefully I can figure out what I'm really feeling and deal with it. that's me, miss independent. work my own sh*t out. wow, I'm in a swearing mood, who would have thought? praying to swearing in two entries. I need caffiene. I need a lobotamy... and most of all, I need God. Not forgetting that part.

jealous much?

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 20:22:15 GMT

So... I'm getting jealous for no good reason. Spiteful female that I am. Oh God please protect me from myself. I am sore from the massage I got yesterday, I skipped the second half of my class... to see if he was in the lounge and cause I couldn't sit still... multiple reasons obviously. I hope that I can be myself still. Though that seems like a work in progress. That smile in my direction from a good friend. That's it. Just from a good friend. Catherine, you are self-aware and you are aware that you always follow patterns that need to be broken. Father, break me of my habits, break me of my patterns, ha ha ha pat.terns... ha ha ha. I'm dumb. Thank You, God, that I always have a reason to turn to You. I just wish it didn't always have to do with the opposite sex. Although, there could be worse things... I'm making excuses in myself already. Be myself... be myself.... without the patterns.... be myself. God allow me to be who you created me to be. Do not let satan distract me with this as I have felt him use other areas of my life already!!!! Man, I need a break from me. Time to go interact with others so I don't wallow. To anyone reading this, sorry for the explosion, but I needed to rant and vent and get this off my chest... and yet it's still weighing me down.

HHS journal #3

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 03:34:41 GMT

Thursday, January 31/08
Today I had to work, I showed up way early to read. I moved around alot. I had some chocolate like crazy too. I have to make sure not to go completely back the other way where I'm indulging all the time. I still have a majorly pulled muscle in my shoulder, so I'm going to have to see if a massage would help. Who knows...

HHS journal #2

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 18:35:46 GMT

Wednessday, January 23/08
I tried to make some healthier choices for food. I got a salad from Zehr's instead of randomness from the Caf. I felt that I was doing good... it's hard to wonder what others think when you make so much effort to eat healthier. Do they feel judged? I had my first bit of chocolate in over a month. It was so nice.

Thursday, January, 24/08
This day was crazy. I had a cleaning shift at work, which was up & down, and loads of other movement. I was sure my muscles would react the next day. However, at the last minute a friend asked me to play volleyball on her team that night. I played for 2 hours and it felt so good. I had inhaled some chemicals at work which made me feel awful, but the exercise was sweet.

Friday, January 25/08
I weighed myself just to see if there was any change. A whole pound less... crazy! Weight shifts, so I'm trying not to let it go to my head too much. I talked with a friend that day about trying to lose weight and asked her about her struggle with the same area. We made some healthy choices together and walking around Toronto after playing volleyball the night before I think really kept my muscles from acting up.

Saturday, January 25/08
I had to work and I was hoping for a more active shift, but I was on cash. I decided to let chocolate continue to enter my diet once and a while. I missed it. I still have been strong with caffiene. I have had several decaf drinks.  I got my period in the morning and it was lighter than I've seen in a long time and I had no cramps. I was wondering if that had to do with the exercise and healthy eating?

Sunday, January/26/08
I was cat-sitting for my brother and some friends were over... i said, hey, let's go for a walk, but no one was up for it. I pretty much wasted the day.

Monday, January 28/08
I finally got to work another 8 hour bar shift. These shifts are always good for exercise. It's not hardcore exercise, but it's something. I brought my lunch to work for the first time in a while too.

Tuesday, January 29/08
I made it a priority to play indoor soccer at school even though I hate the sport. I'm sure my body will hurt the next day but after playing volleyball earlier in the week, I wanted the feeling again.

Wednesday, January 30/08
A whole pound gone again. And I am sore from soccer, but I don't care as much. I took the stairs today too which gave my legs quite the work out (12 floors down and up). I have also been trying this week to eat breakfast every day which is something I haven't done since I was a child, or when I'm at a camp/retreat and it's prepared for me. So far I have only missed one or two days a week.

HHS journal continued.

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 12:12:44 GMT

sunday, jan. 20/08

Diet:

don't remember what I ate for breakfast, but I'm trying to every morning. this plan is extremely different from normal eating habits

I went to a friend's place for family dinner and had a good home-cooked meal. I did not do seconds on anything except a few more carrots... and I had dessert.

I had a decaf coffee prepared by her Mom, because of the nature of our relationship, I thought it would be insulting to her not to accept coffee. She assured me that I can say no. Something I need to learn in more areas of my life than just eating.

For supper I made my frist meal... a wrap with far too many mushrooms, but it was tasty and healthy.

Exercise:

I didn't really do much of anything.

monday, jan. 21/08

Diet

I had to work, so I had a parfait and a decaf americano for breakfast.

I had a low-fat Indian tv-dinner for lunch.

And for supper I made my second meal of a fajilta style wrap

Exercise

I asked to be on bar at work to be able to get more exercise and movement. I had a little of that and a little of just walking around and cleaning things.

tuesday, jan 22/08

Diet:

I missed having breakfast right away due to the weather and the bus taking a while. I ended up getting a western from school, which to be honest, I'm not sure was a great choice....

It was a commuter lunch of pizza, which I really didn't want, but I also didn't want to spend more money than the tempting $2. It was a nice treat, I don't feel guilty, but I was looking forward to going to a restaurant in Hespler where I could get a wrap with loads of good ingredients.

Exercise.

I walked to and from the bus, and all around school. During a break, I went to the mall and visited a friend causing a bit mroe walking. Light exercise could best describe the day.

Week overall: I haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained any either. I'm exploring a chiropractor appt. to see if I can get my body to feel the way it should. Also, a girl at work said she would go to a drop-in yoga class with me, and I think I'll take her up on it.

HHS journal

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 17:38:39 GMT

thursday, jan. 17/08:
Diet:
had a milk & half glass of water
had a decaf americano with a bit of white mocha
had breakfast: subway sandwich with protein, vegetables
for lunch/supper I had a wrap from East Side's
Later I had an everything bagel with swiss cheese on it and a raspberry tea
Exercise:
the most I did was walk around in the work space & through chapters, and then at the end of my shift I walked to the next bus stop instead of the closest one.

friday, jan 18/08
Diet:
I had a 12 grain bagel with butter for breakfast with 2% milk
lunch I had a ceaser salad and a lunchable
supper: ate at Ikea: pasta special w meatballs, garlic bread & soup
Exercise:
walked around school
walked around Ikea
walked to a concert and back (3 kilometers)

saturday, jan. 19/08
Diet:
so far I've had a bowl of corn pops with skim milk
lunch may have to wait depending on how much time I have to catch the bus.
Exercise:
a friend and I may walk to the grocery store and back later which will be approx. 4.2 kilometers.